Lord, I'm Discouraged

"Lord, I'm sorry to question your wisdom
But my faith has been wavering
Won't you show me a sign,
And let me know that you're listening?"

Its been a really long time since I have decided to update this little ditty but I figured now would be as good as a time as any. So much has changed but so much has stayed the same. If I were to sit here and tell you that I am the same person I was this time last year, it would be a total load of shit. BUT, the important parts of me remain and I am still true to myself. I know that in theory that is great...but track records prove completely different.

The ups and downs over the last year have been extreme...Its like the stock market and almost the same timing and track. Although, while the climb over the last few weeks was happening, unlike the stock market, I fell below the 6000 point mark in a sudden drop due to a rapid sell off. Problem is, when you have a sudden drop, you cannot prepare. If it is gradual, then you can prepare for the worst and when it happens you are ready for it and if it doesn't, then you feel you got off light.

Well the drop happened. Then I run into problems with my own head all the time. I over analyze everything. I put everyone else ahead of my own feelings. I am not sure why. I have been told its fear of rejection...I believe that. I also have been having severe bout of self deprecation and low self esteem. I know I am a good person and I love who I am , I just have problems coming to terms with the physical me. I don't know why...just something that always happens and I question the validity of it all the time... It doesn't help my anxiety either. To say that it is not under control would be an understatement and down playing how fucked up it really is. I hit these weird stages of insomnia which causes me to think more and more about anything that pops into my head. All of a sudden after a few hours, I pass out and get woken up by myself or my alarm. During the hour that I have slept, I have some of the most fucked up/irrational dreams imaginable. Borderline psychotic (sometimes).

This is more of a rant then it is descriptive. I am not sure what is wrong with me at this present moment. I just know I cant relax and I cant sleep. Nothing really makes me happy and nothing really makes sense. I have various ideas of what the problems are just not really worth it. But you know what...a pint of beer never hurt anyone and when you combine it with a little Big Lebowski, aint no mountain high enough.

-Bean

Life aint shit but bitches and ...

Its been a while and I was on a roll there for a while. I am on the bus right now, buzzed as fuck because 2 shots of jameson and 4 guniess in 30 mins does a body good. Let's do a little recap... So sat, I neglected to say I hung with sarah middletown on her bday at her pool party. There was a crew of bitches and me and danny ginger brought the cock and smores...for real. This week has been insane- side not, some creep on the bus just rubbed the back of his ear and smelled it to see if he had ear cheese..CREEP..Anyways. I had the day off yesterday and played golf with the old man. He fucked me up as usual and I went to costco with noura. That place is a breeding ground for motherfuckers who can't walk. I did pick up a basketball and I am ready to make it rain on all you motherfuckers. Friday I got the roller derby boxing match, sat is less then jake, westbound train (fuck goldfinger) and sunday is golf I think. Get some stank on ur hanglow....

Weekend Recap Bitches

Holy shit...what can I say about this weekend... Friday night, the weeding was off the chain, brah! Mitch and I shared a few too many shots of whiskey, my new friends Brody and Clown Pussy shared way too many Guiness and weird shots...Apparently there are pictures of me all over the place dancing. I did Dance with Adam's Grandma to baby got back. She got moves! Bonnie and Adam looked great and we all had a good time. Hands down, great fucking time... Sat.......played golf with the old man. He kicked my ass as always but I will beat him once. I will make him my bitch. Sunday was Kim's mom's wake. Total fucking bum out. I feel so bad. I got your back though. I then had Thai food with Noura at Chris Pham's place. He gave me the greatest present ever. There is an Indian store next door to the resturant and he jacked some kids sing along poster. the kind slook like little indian gangstas. I need to take a picture of this monstrosity and show everyone! I will start posting stories soon and you fools better start reading and posting. Blogging is kinda gay...

Fucking Weddings

Don't get me wrong. Peoples display of love is great. I am extremely happy for both of my friends. Bonnie looks amazing and Adam is mighty dapper. But, what I hate about this bullshit is the fakeness that happens. You have divorced members of the family acting like they love/can tolerate one another for this joyus event. Fucking hate eachother because that is more real then lying. And aparently according to my new asian friend (whose name I do not rememeber but she is the only chinamen or asian american which is the perfered nomenclature) "weddings get bitches wet". I am having a good time but where is the fight and bickering and name calling that being married is all about. Let's start this shit right and get out drink on. The vagina is prevelant and so is the beer. Best of both worlds.


-Bean

In the begining.....

Over the last few years, the amount of things that have happened to me/I have been a part of have been unbelievable. Now, most of you who are going to read this are going to think I am full of shit, BUT, rest assured that every story I tell is true and the same should go for you. The only thing I will not tolerate is spam ads and lies... I am sure that in the beginning most of you know me or know of the legend that is Bean so you know the brain mouth filter does not exist and you know the shit i am capable of getting into. I say things that most people find offensive, tasteless, crude and heartless. Oh well, if you do not like what I write, read a different blog. That is the beauty of the first amendment and I am sure Oprah or Martha Stewart has one (she did coin the term intro-rectal-gestion). I am getting used the this phenomenon that is blogging and how to set it up so everyone can post stories. I may do it by category (mistakes, regrets, drunken nights, how I almost killed myself, stupid shit I have done...) since I am sure we all have one that fits each category! I am also open to suggestions too. Holla atch boy to get it all done up right. I have many boring hours sitting on the bus commuting and most of my best ideas/angry moments come from that experience. Expect to have your faces melted and organs ruptured with both laughter and offensiveness....

Love,
Bean