Lord, I'm Discouraged

"Lord, I'm sorry to question your wisdom
But my faith has been wavering
Won't you show me a sign,
And let me know that you're listening?"

Its been a really long time since I have decided to update this little ditty but I figured now would be as good as a time as any. So much has changed but so much has stayed the same. If I were to sit here and tell you that I am the same person I was this time last year, it would be a total load of shit. BUT, the important parts of me remain and I am still true to myself. I know that in theory that is great...but track records prove completely different.

The ups and downs over the last year have been extreme...Its like the stock market and almost the same timing and track. Although, while the climb over the last few weeks was happening, unlike the stock market, I fell below the 6000 point mark in a sudden drop due to a rapid sell off. Problem is, when you have a sudden drop, you cannot prepare. If it is gradual, then you can prepare for the worst and when it happens you are ready for it and if it doesn't, then you feel you got off light.

Well the drop happened. Then I run into problems with my own head all the time. I over analyze everything. I put everyone else ahead of my own feelings. I am not sure why. I have been told its fear of rejection...I believe that. I also have been having severe bout of self deprecation and low self esteem. I know I am a good person and I love who I am , I just have problems coming to terms with the physical me. I don't know why...just something that always happens and I question the validity of it all the time... It doesn't help my anxiety either. To say that it is not under control would be an understatement and down playing how fucked up it really is. I hit these weird stages of insomnia which causes me to think more and more about anything that pops into my head. All of a sudden after a few hours, I pass out and get woken up by myself or my alarm. During the hour that I have slept, I have some of the most fucked up/irrational dreams imaginable. Borderline psychotic (sometimes).

This is more of a rant then it is descriptive. I am not sure what is wrong with me at this present moment. I just know I cant relax and I cant sleep. Nothing really makes me happy and nothing really makes sense. I have various ideas of what the problems are just not really worth it. But you know what...a pint of beer never hurt anyone and when you combine it with a little Big Lebowski, aint no mountain high enough.

-Bean